This year has thrown a lot of horseshit at us. In every case, we are asked to swallow our dignity and live through it. But, with just a few weeks left in 2020, I seem to have hit my breaking point.
The matter at hand is not “important” in the way that the broader socio-political strife in America has been — this isn’t a question of inequality, corruption, neo-fascism or plague. All the same, it demands redress. Rudy Giuliani, with the bodily charisma of Nosferatu and hair dye melting off his diseased scalp, in a feeble attempt to explain why Donald Trump won the election he so clearly lost, dared to cite the 1992 legal comedy My Cousin Vinny. An unforgivable trespass.
For Rudy, and anyone else still loyal to Trump as he tries to bring down democracy on his way out of the White House, I will say this as directly and emphatically as possible: Keep the title My Cousin Vinny out of your rotten, lipless, lying mouths. How fucking dare you even think about comparing this flailing strategy to disenfranchise voters to the heartwarming story of a short Italian-American wiseguy who saved two young men from a death sentence for a murder they didn’t commit, with a crucial assist from an expert witness who happens to be his hot fiancée?
Not one of you miserable cretins are fit to shine Vincent Gambini’s black leather cowboy boots — to say nothing of Rudy’s botched line reading and heinous “imitation” of Joe Pesci — and if a righteous god existed, Republicans’ eyes would burn out of their sockets the minute they beheld the divine Marisa Tomei. Not only does she have more talent in a single polished fingernail than the entire conservative coalition, she was at Dodger Stadium handing cookies to L.A. residents casting their ballots early. The plot to steal the election is exactly what she stands against.
Furthermore, My Cousin Vinny demonstrates a grasp of the justice system, as well as its flaws and loopholes, that puts Trump’s litigators to shame. Whereas Giuliani struggles with basic courtroom language, the movie was directed by Jonathan Lynn, who has a law degree from goddamn Cambridge University, and actual judges have written in praise of its accuracy. Merrick Garland — remember, the guy Obama wanted to put on the Supreme Court? — cited one of its cross-examination scenes in a U.S. Court of Appeals decision last year. As both narrative art and a legal artifact, My Cousin Vinny is far superior to any drivel we’ve heard or will have to endure from Trump’s crack squad of diapered-up propagandists.
For all these reasons and others I’m basically too angry to remember, I better never see Rudy or anyone near him mention this timeless classic again. It’s one of like, four films I have on DVD, and you wrinkled assholes aren’t going to ruin it for me. Shut up, go to jail and spend the rest of your miserable years watching a blank wall, because that’s what you deserve. The prosecution rests.