We may have outdone ourselves with the breadth and depth of our coverage of the Presidential Package. Unlike the literal version—allegedly—ours is yuuuuuuge.
That’s right: We took a break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you everything you ever wanted to know (and then some) about the Mario character Toad, mushrooms and, of course, penises. Because once Stormy Daniels’ now infamous book excerpts became public yesterday, how could we resist?
Below, please find the fruits of our labor. We’ll return to our regular shitposting tomorrow.
“It’s Okay to Dick Shame the President”
Normally, we’re very much against publicly making fun of someone’s dick. It’s mean. It’s never, ever original or even funny. And it’s a form of body shaming, something that’s pervasive in our culture and can come with a host of mental health issues for the person being shamed. But when you’re dick shaming someone who talks as much shit as the president, you bet your ass he’s going to get a taste of his own medicine. READ MORE
One of the first questions we asked ourselves yesterday: “Trump’s tweeted about everything, but has he ever tweeted about his unit?” To check, we asked Miles Klee to go through all 39,000+ of the president’s tweets to find at least one that might have functioned as commentary on the Toad-schlong revelation.
We Need to Talk About Toad
Has anyone had a worse last 24 hours than Toad? (Other than the president.) He’s been misidentified as “the mushroom character in Mario Kart,” the Twitterati has been picking on his diapers, and oh yeah, he’s been compared to a shriveled, hammer-head of a dick attached to our two-pump chump of a president. In Toad’s defense, Miles Klee breaks down everything you want to know about the real Toad, and why he’s the unsung hero of the Mario franchise.
Speaking of Toad… Erotica
Rule #34 of the Internet states, “There is porn of it. No exceptions.” That rule seems to apply to erotic fan fiction as well, because, in a search for sexy stories about Toad, we found more than we could shake a mushroom-tipped stick at. And it is so, so weird:
‘Aww. All right. Time for the naughty girl’s punishment~’ Toad then slowly inserted his mushroom into the folds of her skin, a moan coming from both of them as he did. He kept sliding it in at a relatively slow pace till he found himself bump up against something.
That’s just a taste. Read the rest of what we found, here.
It’s More of a Peach than a Toad
What does your Mario Kart 64 character choice say about your penis? Thought you’d never ask. Here’s Peach, for starters:
Peach: The massive, hairy, veiny, throbbing monster-cock. Any man who chooses to play as Princess Peach is a man who has no time for such fripperies as “insecurity” and “fragile masculinity.” As a lightweight character, Peach has the highest acceleration and highest top speed, so expect Peach-cock to jackhammer you right through a Goddamn wall, then another wall for good measure.
If this cock was a Mario Kart 64 weapon, it would be: Spiny shell — whatever position it fires from, it will devastate anyone who’s about to come first (and the two people either side of them for good measure).
Ideal track: Toad’s Turnpike — you, too, will know what it’s like to have a semi-truck repeatedly smash into you from behind.
Find out how the rest of the Mario Kart 64 cast translates into penis, here.
A Game of Dick Telephone
If you thought Stormy Daniels detailing the size, shape and efficacy of Donald Trump’s peen was bizarre, you’d be wrong. Well, kinda: It was a rather high-profile dick shame. But as Tracy Moore writes, that kind of reveal has long been a hallmark of the kind of normal chitchat female friends engage in privately all the time.
Fungi? I Hardly Knew Ye
While a former porn star telling the world about a shvantz shaped like the poisonous amanita muscaria is a problem for only one of us today, the rest of us should remain ever vigilant for the literal version of mushroom cock:
- Candidiasis Fungus
- Trichophyton Rubrum Fungus
- Malassezia Furfur
Because we’re nothing if not completists, here’s all the nasty-sounding fungal infections that can find comfort in your nether regions.
Quick, to the Pornhub Comments
Where does the Pornhub commentariat weigh in on mushroom cocks? Let’s find out!
Mushrooms For Sale
Does the thought of dick a la fungi turn you on? Then you’ll be happy to know that, for a very reasonable price of $36.90, you can purchase the mushroom-shaped dildo of your dreams. Tierney Finster spoke with Doc Johnson’s chief product designer about the ubiquity and appeal of mushroom-shaped sex toys (of which there are a lot more than you’d ever imagine).
Why Dicks Look Like Mushrooms
Good work, 4chan, you’re right for once. Dicks do look like mushrooms, generally speaking.
God, Please Can We Stop Talking About Toad, Mushrooms and Dicks?
Yes. But we still need to talk about Stormy Daniels’ other turn-of-phrase that has caused some disgusted and confused speculation: “Yeti pubes.”