There’s a popular myth that celery is so low in calories that the energy it takes to eat it is actually more than the calories consumed, making it a “negative calorie” snack. While there’s an inkling of truth to that idea, consumption alone doesn’t negate the calories entirely. However, there is one “food,” of sorts, for which this logic may be somewhat true: semen.
While semen does pack a solid amount of vitamins and minerals — and isn’t a bad source of zinc — it’s not very nutritionally dense. In fact, you’d probably burn off the equivalent calories through whatever sex act took place to conjure the semen in the first place. That said, there’s little data to determine exactly how many calories are in the typical ejaculation. Healthline and WebMD both state that 5 to 25 calories is a commonly thrown-about figure; meanwhile, various studies have attempted to measure the precise nutritional profile of semen, with differing results. A 2013 review of more than a dozen of these studies combined the data of the protein content of semen and found that the average load contains less than a fifth of a gram of protein.
Considering this low figure, it’s probably fair to assume that the similarly low calorie counts are close to correct. Let’s say we meet the 5 to 25 calorie figure in the middle, and say that there are 15 calories in a load of semen. A different 2013 study found that men typically burn 4.2 calories per minute during sex, while women burn 3.2. Men would therefore need to have sex for at least 3.5 minutes to burn off a swallowed load, while women would need at least 4.6 minutes. That’s pretty achievable, but we all know it doesn’t always take that long. Previous research for MEL estimated that guys burn between 5.8 and 31 calories masturbating — depending on how vigorously the deed is conducted — so you could theoretically even burn off your load with a wank.
On the other end of the spectrum, what if you were trying to achieve your daily caloric intake via semen alone?
Assuming you follow the 2,000 calorie daily recommendations from the FDA (for the record, some people need far fewer and some need far more), that would require 133 loads at 15 calories a pop. You’d need to put in some real work to accomplish that, unless you aren’t procuring the semen yourself. In either case, you may not hit your macro goals for the day, but at least you’ll get a solid dose of zinc.