Your Fandom Sucks (Deal with It), The Problem with Guys Named ‘Bret’ and the Jedi Who Fucks

I don’t think we’ll ever get to the bottom of whether Luke Skywalker boned down, and whom he might have boned down with, regardless of what Mark Hamill might say. Canonically speaking, there aren’t a lot of potential mates to choose from. Luke clearly preferred the soft touch of a woman, given his attraction to his sister, Leia, and the lack thereof for his hunk of a best bud, Han. So him, Obi Wan and Lando are out. And Leia, well, she’s his sister — so she’s out, too. I don’t mean to assume Chewbacca’s gender, but I think we can assume Chewy’s into wookies. C-3PO might be fluent in over 6 million forms of communication, but the “language of love” likely isn’t one of them. R2D2 is a trash can. Honestly, your head could spin trying to figure this stuff out.

Personally, I think if Luke did smash, he probably smashed with some nice, local moisture-farm girl on Tatooine who likely assumed that with Uncle Owen’s new droids working out, Luke was to transfer his application to the Academy before the harvest, and wanted to get a piece before he left.

But that’s just my opinion.

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Early to Rise

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This Jedi Fucks ?

Did Skywalker die a virgin? Mark Hamill says no:

So let’s say that’s true — who did he lose his virginity to? We have some theories.

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Jeff Gross

Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.