I’m not going to call “bullshit” on this piece about the realistic number of times (I won’t ruin it for you) a man can jerk off in one 24-hour period — but I have it on good authority that the number in question is way off. I know this, because of an old water polo teammate of mine, who we’ll call “Phil.” He once claimed to have charmed the one-eyed snake 26 times in one day (much more than the aforementioned realistic limit; the theoretical limit is too mind-boggling to contemplate) — a claim that if you knew Phil, you would’ve agreed is entirely possible. I mean, the guy voluntarily drove an Isuzu VehiCROSS, is that enough “weird” for you?
What’s this? You scoff at the idea that a man can jerk off 26 times in one day? By all means, then, let’s do the math:
- 24 hours in a day – 8 hours for sleep – 1 hour for meals = 15 hours masturbation time
- 15 hours x 60 min = 900 minutes
- 35 minutes per JO session (5 min for jerking, 30-minute recovery time)
- Ergo, 900 ÷ 35 = 25.71 JO’s possible
Round up (assume he was quick out of the gates), and mathematically, it’s doable, if not superhuman. Personally, I choose to believe.
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On what it is: “Tim (Justice Smith) goes looking for his missing detective father, joined by his dad’s partner Pikachu (Ryan Reynolds), who conveniently has amnesia and can’t remember a thing.”
On the problem with live-action anime world-building: “Despite some bold visual touches and Reynolds’ smart-ass presence as the voice of Pikachu, the movie feels too much like every other franchise-starting origin film.”
On Reynolds needing to be more discerning with his choice of roles: “Detective Pikachu needs Reynolds far more than he needs this movie.”
On why the title of ‘Detective Pikachu’ is a little confusing: “No matter what your expectations are for a Detective Pikachu movie, detecting is this film’s least-interesting element.”
On plot devices: “Clues are mostly excuses for big action set pieces, overblown holographic flashback sequences and strained comedy.”
On filmmaking lessons that no one will ever learn: “It’s almost as if movies based on video games end up being pretty terrible story-wise.”
On two words that sum up this movie: “Terribly mediocre.”
Read more of Tim Grierson’s review of Pokémon Detective Pikachu, here — including the surprising Easter egg that Detective Pikachu was filmed on 35mm (a rarity these days); the depressing behind-the-scene stories behind some of Pokémon’s original songs; and a very funny video of people dressed up as Pikachu dancing to N.W.A.
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Okay, so, maybe isomaltooligosaccharide isn’t THE ingredient of note here, given the fact that it’s all the way down at #10 on the list. It still sounds the coolest (weirdest? scariest?), right? Sadly, all it really does is add some prebiotic fiber, and not, you know, turn you into the Hulk. That honor falls to some of Soylent’s other ingredients. Find out which, here.
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Why. So. Serious?
Dudes, we know you’re big Joker fans, and we also know cosplay is a thing, but that doesn’t mean you have to dress up as the Clown Prince of Crime all day, err day.
There is a guy dressed as the Joker at this bar having a conversation about atheism. THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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Jerkin’ to the Limit
As I mentioned in the open, my buddy “Phil” claimed to have jerked off 26 times in one day. But researchers on the topic (lol) claim he was actually kinda slacking — theoretically speaking at least. Read this, and then you decide who’s right.
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
