Okay, people. I get that you hate Trump. I’m not going to tell you to “get over it,” or whatever the MAGA bots like to scream at anyone who notes that we live under an autocratic regime that’s rolling back civil rights to protect the power of a shrinking white base. Please, by all means, get and remain mad, especially online. God knows that’s the mood.
But you’ve got to knock it all the way off with jokes about Trump doing sex with men.
Resistance Blue Jay… thanks. Thank you for being the kind of asshole who, confronted with humanitarian crises, the increased odds of a nuclear pissing match and a breakdown of objective reality as we know it, decides to share a meme where the president is cuddling the leader of North Korea. Thank you for being brave enough to imply that Trump wants to have sex with Kim Jong-un. And special thanks to the 28,000 people who retweeted it. This is why the First Amendment is so important.
Middle-of-the-road liberals aren’t making a great case for themselves as a moral counterweight to a rabidly anti-LGBTQ White House with this “lol ur gay” shit. And Trump’s friendliness with villains like Putin has geopolitical ramifications we shouldn’t ignore in favor of “what if they kissed” thought experiments. It’s even worse to defend this crap on the grounds that it’s sure to get under Trump’s skin — which just reaffirms the gross and enduring view of sexual intimacy between dudes as somehow emasculating. You can’t call the guy a fascist, a racist, an idiot, and oh yeah, a queer, at least not without equating those terms in some way. Understand that.
Besides, Trump’s whole deal is being an old-school hetero lech — a spam-faced, Viagra-fueled dinosaur who marries repeatedly, pays off the porn stars he bangs on the side and physically assaults or harasses other women unlucky enough to gain his attention. He is the panting essence of rape culture and toxic masculinity, and we’re supposed to take him down by saying he sucks dick? That couldn’t be more backwards.
And we’re refusing to learn the lesson. More than a year ago, Stephen Colbert shocked America by telling the president: “The only thing your mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin’s cock holster.” Apparently the only thing other entertainers took away from the backlash that followed was that Colbert’s delivery wasn’t quite right.
Take it away, Bette:
Enough. It’s not funny; it’s degrading to the gay men directly threatened by this administration’s policies; and — though I can’t believe I have to type these words — it’s not a very enlightened perspective on blowjobs! There’s a near-infinite cache of legitimate criticisms, and yes, rude insults to be hurled at the ignorant turd occupying the Oval Office; I cannot fathom why you’d ignore all these in a misguided attempt to forever sully the reputation of oral sex.
We already live with the knowledge that Trump allegedly asked to be spanked with a copy of Forbes, and we owe it to our poor disintegrating brains not to add to such misery. I don’t want to think about Trump having any kind of sex, straight or not, and if I’m going to picture him in a state of undress, it’ll be a fantasy of him dying on the toilet after reading that Obama has a lower golf handicap than him.
But I guess as long as the #Resistance has the emotional maturity of a middle schooler who just discovered South Park, we’re stuck with this ugly, shameful, deeply irrelevant trope. Maybe in 2020 the Democrats can nominate Jimmy Kimmel and have him do a stump speech on the difference between tops and bottoms. Because if there’s any attitude that meaningfully challenges the alt-right’s gender essentialism and Trump’s fixation on hierarchies of machismo, it’s the one that says taking it up the ass makes you a submissive little bitch. The president may believe that, but we don’t have to, and we really, clearly, obviously shouldn’t. I’m not usually into the whole “when they go low, we go high” deal — in fact, I think that phrase is often used to silence dissent — yet there’s a lowness to this moment that only serves one side.
Don’t take my word for it. Listen to people who tell you when your hacky comedy comes at their expense and stop rushing to explain to them why it’s actually not offensive. Otherwise you continue to alienate the voters you count as your natural allies. Get a new goddamn joke.