This has definitely been me: A hot and heavy sexting relationship begins, and once the fantasies reach a fever pitch, I finally meet up with the guy behind all of that highly excellent dirty talk. But alas, the only thing that follows is disappointment. Because while I was supposed to leave with a broken pussy, all that was really broken was the promise that I’d be split into two.
Along these lines, Josh, a 27-year-old in Chicago, tells me that he was recently described as a ‘’sext god.” And although he rejects that designation as over-the-top, he does admit that he’s pretty good at creating arousing scenarios, a skill he developed over the years by reading erotica. “I’m good at listening to people’s desires and building on them,” he says, adding that sexting gives him more confidence. “When I can hide behind a keyboard, it frees me from worrying about things like body dysmorphia or lack of stamina.”
Unfortunately, though, “I have a lot to live up to, and there ends up being too much pressure,” he continues.
In other words, he chokes — and not in the hot way.
According to Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a certified sex therapist, Josh’s experience is common in her practice. “Most guys have good intentions, but can fall short due to performance anxiety, feeling intimidated or being in over their head,” she explains. “Sexting from the comfort of your own home is quite different from having sex in real life. There are some guys who actually believe they have the mojo they describe in their erotic texts. So these guys are often genuinely surprised when women (or men) respond less than enthusiastically to their technique. It can be devastating to their self-esteem.”
Josh has learned from his mistakes and now tries to avoid promising things that he knows he can’t deliver — “things like size, and guaranteeing orgasms, both the quality and quantity.” “But,” he continues, “it can still be hard to hold back, especially now during the pandemic, when I don’t know when/if I’ll actually hook up with someone.”
For Jacob, a 40-year-old in the Southeast, sexting allows him the ability to overcome areas in which he sees himself at a disadvantage. “Most women don’t want a submissive straight man. It just doesn’t work. Men are supposed to be confident, aggressive and take charge,” he tells me. “I knew that I wasn’t wired that way, so I faked it. And when you fake it, eventually the truth comes out. I put up this false premise to get the woman of my dreams, who is herself confident and aggressive. There’s nothing worse, though, than hearing a lover say, ‘Okay, I think I’m good.’ It hurts. You can kind of tell when a person climaxes, but you definitely KNOW when a person is faking it.”
And so, like Josh, he’s also tried to curb some of his cockiness while sexting. “If I’m talking a bunch of shit like, ‘You’re not going to walk right for a few days,’ then yeah, I deserve a ton of scorn for not achieving that,” he admits.
John, a 27-year-old in Dallas, honed his sexting skills after years of being on dating apps. Whether they’re looking for fun and flirty or nasty as fuck, John is able to give guys whatever they want. “I don’t think I’m super physically attractive, so it seems like at least talking up how I am in bed gives me an opportunity to convince guys to take a chance on me,” he says.
But although he’s pretty sure he’s not the worst lay in the world, he’s definitely not the life-changing fuck he presents himself as — and again, that can’t be obscured by words forever. For example, after one particularly hot-sext-exchange-turned-IRL-encounter, “He called it quits after less than five minutes of oral,” John tells me. “I don’t know if you’ve ever been tapped on the head and told that it’s just not happening during oral, but it might be the most soul-crushing sexual experience I can think of.”
Speaking of head, most guys I talk to about this topic say that the expectations that come with being a good sexter fuck with them mentally. “I get kinda in my head about how I’m not living up to the crazy shit I texted,” John says. “Which makes me even more apprehensive and scared that I’m disappointing the other person. I feel like I probably think about whether or not the other person is disappointed more than the average person while having sex.”
This might explain the most frustrating of all good sexters — ghost sexters. The most intense sexting experience I ever had was with a man who was constantly pushing the boundaries of what I normally sexted. I went along with it because, well, I have issues, and because it was hot to know full well that I was fucked up enough to go through with anything. But after an extended period of sexting and not meeting up, I became suspicious that he’d ever follow through. And as expected, he eventually pussed out.
Christine, a 41-year-old in L.A., has had a similar experience. She began a sexting relationship with a man she knew while he was in Atlanta for a few months. The sexting got to the point where in a fit of passion, he asked her to come visit him. She agreed, but the sizzle quickly turned to fizzle. “After a few more texts, he ghosted me,” she says. “He left me on read, so it was a very unambiguous ghosting, too.”
Anderson obviously discourages making such empty promises, but for some of her clients, the anonymity is just too enticing. “They can send a pic of someone else’s dick. They can lie about everything — their physical appearance, penis size, height, weight, sexual exploits, you name it. I’ve had patients who sext people they met on fetish websites or apps and describe what they want to do in great detail, knowing full well they’ll never actually meet in person,” she explains. “For some, this is the most ‘action’ they need. They feel empowered by turning a woman on and getting her ‘hot and bothered,’ even if they have no intention of ever meeting in real life.”
As the saying kinda goes, if you can’t make a gal unable to walk, don’t talk the talk.