Ah, the relaxed fit of boxers. They not only keep your swingers a little cooler, they also give you more room to hang. But like, how much is too much? Will a lifetime of boxer wearing, combined with the inevitable effects of gravity, render your scrotum a crew-length sock by old age? Basically, do boxers make your balls sag, or nah? Even if you wear something more snug, what’s gonna happen to your balls?
Do boxers make your balls sag, really?
You might be shocked to learn that there is no scientific data or studies conducted on such a weighty issue, at least as they relate to boxers. However, scrotal drooping, Gonzalez says, is primarily a function of gravity, so if you’re not wearing underwear that’s supporting your scrotum over a lifetime, the weight of your balls is probably going to lead to more drooping over time. But he says that testicle size is likely the more important factor here.
Huh. So balls are all different sizes?
Yeah! Gonzalez says some men’s are larger than others — but they don’t vary by that much. “There’s sort of a narrow-ish range of what’s considered a normal-size testicle,” he says (not including conditions like having an undescended testicle as a baby, and things like that). What’s more important, according to the doctor, is whether your balls are more or less symmetrical — they’ll very a bit from left to right, but they shouldn’t vary by much. In any case, just know that whatever size yours are now, they’re going to decrease as you get older.
My balls are gonna shrink?!
Afraid so. “It’s called testicular atrophy, and it’s just a natural part of being older,” Gonzalez says.
It’s due to lower testosterone levels as you age. At age 40, the average decline in testosterone is about one percent per year, though for a variety of reasons — genetics, environment, behavior — some people have a steeper decline. If their testosterone is really low, their nuts will atrophy more significantly than the average guy’s. But overall it’s not a massive difference, and, sort of on the plus side, these doctors suspect the lower mass will help to offset the effects of gravity.
So how low are my balls gonna get in my lifetime?
The brightest minds in physics haven’t yet come up with some sort of mathematical constant as it relates to your balls and gravity. There hasn’t even been a measured average change in how low they hang. But again, the differences can be pretty big from guy to guy. “The difference can be mild in some men and more significantly large and noticeable in others,” Gonzalez says.
“It varies greatly, but could be as much as two to three times lower,” Shtenynshlyuger says. “There is a tendency for the scrotal wall to be less tense as men get older.”
Two. To. Three. Times. Lower. Are you kidding me?
Yeah bud. Hope the water in your toilet bowl isn’t too high when you go to sit down on the throne in old age.
But they’re always going up and down, right?
Yep, and that’s due to the cremasteric muscles — they raise and lower your balls based on temperature. For optimum sperm production, your balls aren’t supposed to quite be at 98.6 degrees like the rest of your body, which is why for some men with fertility issues, simply swapping briefs for boxers might help. But again, as you age, the reactivity of your cremasteric muscles can decrease and the elasticity of your scrotum can increase, both of which can contribute to lower-hanging nuts.
Does the temperature of your balls affect anything else?
Nah, mostly just sperm production, according to Gonzalez. It doesn’t change your testosterone levels.
How did naked cavemen and early humans deal with this shit?
They probably didn’t! Each doctor provides a theory as to why.
“I suspect that not all of our ancestors were running naked all the time,” Shtenynshlyuger says. “They may have used some supporting materials when needed. On the other hand, as hunters and gatherers, they likely were chronically stressed-out, which would increase cremasteric muscle tone and cause the testes and the scrotum to be ‘pulled-up.’”
“Prehistoric man would be dead before his balls could sag,” Gonzalez says. “Life expectancy back then was decades shorter than what it is now. Our gonads really were evolutionarily designed to exist long enough for us to procreate and then they kind of served their function. My best guess is that there were probably not prehistoric men walking around going, ‘It’s probably dangerous for my balls to be hanging low,’ because they were dying at age 30 or earlier.”
Ah, the joy of modern living: Low-hanging balls do indeed appear to be more of a contemporary problem.
Is there no way of fixing them?
Yes, but it involves surgery.
Just remember, although science hasn’t yet tackled how to best support your tackle, time and gravity are your primary enemies, so plan accordingly, or sleeping will get a whole lot tougher.