Here’s What Wearing Those Viral Denim Undies Would Do to Your Junk

You saw them. I saw them. We all saw them. This past weekend, a pair of $315 denim panties promptly swept across the internet, leaving a trail of bewilderment, exasperation and straight-up outrage in its wake.

I’d normally announce a trigger warning before exposing readers to such a polarizing image — one that has brought the internet, and therefore, the world, to the brink of its breaking point — but I know the damage has already been done, so behold:

Despite being panties, the brand’s website explains, “These ‘brief-style shorts’ can be worn under or over pants, meaning they’re far more versatile than what you’d traditionally expect from a pair of briefs.” So I guess you can wear them over some very tight pants or tights?

Versatile or otherwise, there are admittedly a few people who support the janties, so to speak. (Tobias Fünke would be among them, I imagine.)

Everyone else, though, seems to agree that denim panties are (1) completely uncalled for and (2) a whole lot of chafing just waiting to happen. There’s also the fact that you can find a similar pair of denim panties for only $14 on Amazon, or you can upgrade to a stretchy pair with a nice strap around the back for only $64 on International Jock.

For women, chafing is certainly something to be concerned about with any denim underwear — as one Bustle article explains, “If your underwear is being replaced by the crotch of a pair of jeans [or in this case, jean panties] or anything else that’s moving across the vulva without protection, it may cause more irritation than it solves.”

While I’m not sure that these undies are made for men, chafing would also obviously be an issue, although likely the lesser of several evils. The tightness of these panties, if they can even contain your balls, would likely result in a lower sperm count. Although, when I ask Alex Shteynshlyuger, director of urology at the New York Urology Specialists, how he thinks these panties might affect your junk, he says it’s hard to say without giving them a try. “There are some jeans that don’t feel like traditional jeans — they’re very soft,” he explains. “If these are rough like my old Wrangler jeans, though, that may not be the most comfortable feeling when they rub against your genitals.”

Sounds like there’s only one way to find out…

*calls bank to tell them not cancel my card when they see a $315 charge for denim panties*

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Ian Lecklitner

Ian Lecklitner is a staff writer at MEL Magazine. He mostly writes about everyone's favorite things: Sex, drugs and food.