For about three months now, I’ve exclusively worn my trademark Survivor Buff. In January, I gifted myself this headband/detachable turtleneck/twink top and haven’t looked back. I run in it. I wear it to work Zooms. I even sleep in it, breathing in the smell of polyester and Jeff Probst.
Making me look like a surfer boy who can’t surf, my buff is unsurprisingly not holding up in the winter temps. Worse yet, braving this pandemic in New York for socially-distanced gatherings outside has withered away my once-sturdy Midwestern skin. In middle school, I’d wait outside at the bus stop blasting “How to Save a Life” by The Fray (yes, I had a martyr complex at 12) on my iPod Touch in freezing February temps. Sometimes I’d stand for an hour without earmuffs, gloves or a DUFF (Designed Ugly Furry Fleece) coat before accepting the bus wasn’t coming and it must be a snow day.
Things are different now. I can’t last two seconds outside in low-30s weather with my Gen Z-approved middle part perfectly tucked into my Buff without shivering and wanting to leave the game (the game is life, obviously). So last weekend I ventured to SoHo in Manhattan to mingle with the hypebeasts and e-girls at the Carhartt store. It was time to fully embrace my Prospect Park hipster winter fantasy and buy the initiation item: a Carhartt beanie.
You know the type of guy who dons a Carhartt beanie. Every alt-boy looking like an anemic vampire with a nicotine addiction and an inability to call their mom on her birthday wears one. Their film bro godfather Daniel Day-Lewis wears Carhartt, just like Rihanna, her man ASAP Rocky, Kacey Musgraves, the Kardashians, your Euphoria teen cousin, the guy at the corner store and even now that sorority girlfriend of yours turned mommy blogger.
According to BuzzFeed News, Carhartt’s sales doubled in the first week of January compared to that of December 2020. Everyone is wearing Carhartt beanies — except me. The truth is, the line at the Carhartt store was longer than the time it takes for a Carhartt beanie bro to text me back. It’s for the best, though — we can’t always hop on to every sartorial trend, and truthfully I don’t need an uncut dick on my head.
Yes, you heard what I said. An uncut dick — that’s what the top of a Carhartt beanie looks like. And a quick Twitter search shows I’m not the first person to come to this realization.
Better still, look at the Carhartt beanie catalog photo on Amazon, and tell me you don’t see a grower.
Fortunately, Carhartt is an equal opportunity dickhead. Sometimes, in fact, it’s a little curved:
Other times, it’s a little hairy:
The Carhartt beanie dick is the latest iteration of the dreaded reservoir tip — beanies that come to a point at the top and resemble a wool condom. (Also, absolutely don’t use lambskin condoms.) Meanwhile, the seam extending down the center of the Carhartt beanie, unfortunately, resembles a penial opening.
Luckily, it’s pretty simple to solve: Just roll the brim of the cap higher to prevent the wonky curvature, or roll it all the way down and push the top of the flat against your skull, for the flaccid penis look.
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So yes, there are ways to keep the Carhartt beanie from making your head look like a dick. But, boys, let’s be honest: There’s no perfect way to roll your cap to keep you from being a dick. Call your lovely mother back, and throw away the Juul.