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For the Last Time, Swallowing Cum Can’t Get You Pregnant

Not one baby has every been birthed out of someone’s intestines. Thanks for asking, though

We need better sex ed. Whatever grade they’re starting it in, bump it forward even earlier. Put the basics of conceiving on highway billboards. Send out a mailer. Anything, anything to put an end to the fact that people are consistently Googling whether it’s possible to get pregnant from swallowing cum. Worse, they’re asking Quora, a rancid bog of a forum where real, everyday people offer uneducated, misdirected advice to those who need real, qualified help. 

“My BF and I had oral sex,” writes one person. “He came in my mouth. I swallowed some semen, and I spat the [rest]. After 15-20 minutes we made out/French kissed, and then after 5-10 minutes, he licked my vagina. Could I get pregnant?” 

“I swallowed my boyfriend’s semen, then after a while we kissed and he inserted his fingers inside my mouth, then fingered me,” offers another. “It happened on a day before my ovulation day. Can oral sex cause pregnancy?”

It does stop there either:

For the most part, Quora respondents don’t entertain the possibility of these activities causing pregnancy. But every now and again, a few twisted folks make sure to point out that, in some Twilight Zone-ass world, cunnilingus or fingering could introduce semen into the vagina, provided someone’s tongue or fingers were covered in cum. While this scenario is in the realm of human possibility — and you can get pregnant if sperm gets into your vagina — things like that are a statistical improbability. Trust me — I spent plenty of time on Google, looking for some miraculous case of someone getting pregnant from cunnilingus or fingering and there’s nothing to suggest that those pregnancies occur with any recordable frequency.

Want to know what happens with zero frequency, though? Getting pregnant from swallowing cum. If you’re desperate to be reassured about this, let me state clearly that it cannot happen. It’s not possible. God was a weird motherfucker when he put all our holes right next to each other downstairs, but that was just for ha-has. The uterus and vagina aren’t connected to the digestive system in any way. So, there’s no route for sperm to travel from your stomach to an egg in your uterus. I refuse to even ask a medical professional to back me up on this, but if you need to hear from one, direct yourself here

Or you could just take a look at this diagram of the digestive system, then compare it to this diagram of the female reproductive system. There is literally no overlap. 

Feel better now?

If only there was a way to sit these kids down and get them properly educated about sexual health. You know, like a school is supposed to do? At the very least, there are plenty of reputable sources like Planned Parenthood who will tell it to ya straight. And if any youngins are reading this and looking for a place to get better information, Planned Parenthood even has an online chat service where you can talk to an expert about all your pressing questions. 

I’d much prefer that the people who don’t understand these fundamentals of sex would simply abstain. But unfortunately, people are gonna be boning, regardless of education level. All I can do is simply wish them the best. 

Go forth and swallow, reproductive-age people of America. Go forth and swallow.