In recent decades, humans have largely resorted to four-letter words to slander one another, which is too bad when you consider the much more thoughtful insults of yesteryear — at least that seems to be the opinion of the many redditors who’ve commented on this thread asking which old-timey insults deserve a comeback.
Because it’s Monday, and we can all use another stinger in our quivers, here are some of our favorite ancient put-downs from the thread (sic, obviously, throughout):
- “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
- “You’re not the dumbest guy in the room, but you’d better hope he doesn’t die.”
- “You may be slow as hell, but at least everything you do is wrong.”
- “I’d be surprised if you can count to 20 with your shoes on.”
- “I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a more intelligent answer.”
- “How’s your wife and my kids?”
- “If your brain was gunpowder, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.”
- “You’re not pretty enough to be that stupid.”
- “It’s not much, but you deserve it.”
- “Sit your $5 ass down before I make change.”
- “If I had a dog as ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.”
- “I’d challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’re unarmed.”
- “Oxygen thief.”
- “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
- “You look like 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound sack.”
- “Go play in traffic.”
- “Go take a long walk off a short pier.”
- “I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.”
- “You fight like a dairy farmer.”
- “I didn’t know you could stack shit that high.”
- “Is your family tree a circle?”
- “You’re ugly, and your mother dresses you funny.”
- “I don’t have the time or crayons to explain it to you.”
- “Does your ass get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?”
- “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.”
- “You’ll never be the man your mother is!”
- “Jabroni!”
- “I bite my thumb at you!”
- “You nincompoop.”
- “You sir are not gentleman.”
Fuck you just doesn’t have the same ring anymore, does it?
Ian Lecklitner
Ian Lecklitner is a staff writer at MEL Magazine. He mostly writes about everyone's favorite things: Sex, drugs and food.
